Don’t all guilty suspects plead “not guilty” and hope to catch a break? We think in Daniel Severn’s case, he was just too depressed over his pathetic failure as a burglar.
The 27-year-old pleaded guilty in Hull Crown Court in England, possibly hoping he would never again have to see photos of himself “hanging out” while waiting for handcuffs. He tried breaking into a residence by a rather unconventional route — chopping through the roof. However, all he managed to do was cause a portion of it to collapse. He fell through and wound up stuck, hanging upside down in the bathroom, right over the toilet. He tried to pull out his cell phone and call for help, but he fumbled that too and dropped his phone into the open toilet.
Luckily for Daniel, he only hung there like a bat, blood draining to his head, for about an hour before the resident came home and found him. We wonder how much longer he had to “hang out” before being taken away.
Aww, Ain’t That Romantic?
Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and once more provided some really unusual expressions of love — or something. In Oklahoma, if your sweetheart didn’t particularly care for roses, you could order her a beautiful rose bouquet — with the roses made of crispy-cooked bacon. In Texas, you could buy hefty prime Porterhouse steaks cut to fit in heart-shaped clear plastic packaging, and from Arizona, we have this:
An inmate in the Pinal County Jail had been telling his fellow prisoners how much he missed his girlfriend, and he just couldn’t stand the idea of not seeing her on Valentine’s Day to reassure her of his love. Officials at the jail still aren’t sure how he did it, but on Valentine’s Day Joseph Dekenipp made the break, scaling a 12-foot fence, crawling through a barrier of razor wire and then climbing over a second fence topped with barbed wire without being seen.
After learning his love-lonely story from other inmates, the guards knew all they had to do was find his girlfriend to find him. They did, at the Gallopin’ Goose Saloon & Grill in Florence, about 10 miles from the jail. He had apparently run there. The sweethearts had only a few minutes to kiss and pledge their fondness before the guards hauled Joseph back to the slammer.
Get The Kid Some Lego Blocks Or Something
A young couple in the Shaanxi province in China thought they had discovered a cheap, highly effective “babysitter substitute” when they learned their 4-year-old boy was obsessed with tearing the pages of books into tiny pieces. Instead of scolding him, the Liu’s bought old books cheap from local markets and handed them over to Junior. While they occupied themselves with other things, he would sit alone in a room and carefully, completely shred pages for hours at a time. Then all mom and dad had to do was sweep up the confetti and toss it out. Perfect, right?
It worked great until the child found a box under the bed in his parents’ bedroom. There were lots of funny-looking papers in the box, and naturally, he shredded them. Those colorful little papers were every yuan of the couple’s savings — about $5,000. They had been saving for a down payment on a house.
After an extended episode of weeping and wailing, the Liu’s called in their relatives to help try to reassemble thousands of bits of paper. To make matters worse, most of the money was in small-denomination bills. Just imagine a giant jigsaw puzzle, with the pieces fluttering away with the slightest breeze, draft, breath or movement.
Fortunately for the couple, they found a bank willing to replace all the yuan they could produce in fairly verifiable condition. The boy’s mom, Fan, admitted that feeding the kid’s paper-ripping appetite “perhaps wasn’t very sensible.” Gee, ya think?
Were They Too Drunk To Think Of Calling A Cab?
In Readington Township, N.J., 34-year-old Carmen Reategui was arrested for a DUI, processed and prepared for release. Of course, she couldn’t be allowed to drive herself home, so she called a friend to come and pick her up. That was 23-year-old Nina Petracca. The trouble was, when she arrived, officers found that she was too drunk to drive, and they arrested her as well. The girls in turn called a mutual friend, 33-year-old Ryan Hogan, to come and haul the two of them home.
You guessed it: Ryan made it to the station — and was promptly tested and arrested for driving under the influence. We gotta wonder if they tried to call other friends who were too drunk to answer the phone.
Anything Tactical Sells — So Sell It!
Gun sales are falling off? We know “tactical” arms are hot sellers, but even sales of those guns are slumping. Whaddaya do? True, your customers shoot, but they also eat! Go to thinkgeek.com and check out the Tactical Laser-Guided Pizza Cutter! Careful though, it looks enough like a “sorta-gun-thing” that it could be outlawed in California and the Northeastern “occupied” states. Black, sleek and precise, it looks like Darth Vader’s pizza-cutter, and it retails for only $29.95. And consider this: It could have a better margin than your average gun sale.
While you’re on the website, also check out their even more deadly-looking TGX Tactical BBQ Fork, which combines a functioning light and laser sight on a long, sharp barbecue fork. Light ’em up, laser ’em and stick those sausages! It lists for just $19.95. I’ve got mine, and now I’m waiting for the debut of the Strategic Stealth Spatula!
Aw, They’ll Probably Never Notice It
In just a few days, an “illustrated” young man named Jeffrey Chapman is scheduled to go on trial for murder in Kansas. He’s accused of killing one Damon Galliart in 2011, and attempting to hide the body in a roadside ditch. Hunters stumbled upon Galliart’s remains, and the state’s case against Chapman seems strong. But his legal team may be granted a delay to deal with a thorny question: What to do about the tattoo that circles Chapman’s neck from ear to ear? The prosecution doesn’t have a problem with it, but the defense thinks if the jury sees it, it could be prejudicial to their client. In big block letters, Chapman’s tattoo reads “MURDER.”
Now why would that be a problem? Surely jury members wouldn’t just assume Jeffrey’s anything other than a nice little choirboy, would they? Some narrow-minded people might assume a guy who gets his neck permanently inked with “MURDER” could be prone to violence. Silly, huh?
Jeffrey wants a tattoo artist brought in to remove, subdue or cover his “artwork.” But, the county sheriff points out state law forbids registered tattoo artists from practicing off their licensed premises, and his office doesn’t provide transportation and travel passes for inmates accused of capital crimes to visit tattoo parlors. The defense is leaning toward putting Chapman in a turtleneck sweater and hoping for the best. They should hope for smarter clients.
By Commander Gilmore
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