Do you take plastic? Before you say “yes,” think about getting paid in empty pop bottles and milk jugs. Yeah, people have actually tried that, and when their payment was refused, they threatened to sue because they claimed they had a “legally binding verbal contract” with the business owner.
Car salesman Frank Ready, of Austin, Texas, thought he was safe when he answered “yes” to the question, “Do you take Visa?”
Ready had negotiated a deal on a Nissan Maxima with prospective buyers for $9,000, payable by Visa. We’re guessing his jaw dropped open like a drawbridge when they produced 90 — count ’em, 90! — $100 Visa gift cards. We’re guessing the deal seemed OK until he learned they were counterfeits. Police caught the pair and a third party with 28 more fake cards.
Cross That One Off Your Bucket List!
A Butte, Mont., police officer had no reason to suspect a driver following behind him of any wrongdoing, but it sure was suspicious that he seemed to really be tailing the patrol cruiser, and not just driving on the same route. But when the driver of that vehicle suddenly wrenched his SUV into a screamin’ U-turn and rocketed away at high speed, that got the cop’s attention!
When the officer came in pursuit, the SUV pilot lit the afterburners and goosed his speed from 70 to over 100 miles per hour, scootin’ onto the interstate toward Rocker, Mont. He was going fast, but not as fast as police radio communications. In Rocker, police laid out a spike strip to flatten the flyer’s tires. And yes, it worked just fine.
Officers arrested 55-year-old John C. Hughes of Butte, who explained that he had always wanted to know what it was like to be the subject of a high-speed police chase.
Now he knows. Officers checked, and Hughes had not been drinking, nor was he under the influence of drugs. But, if you’re dumb enough, you don’t need those enhancements to get into trouble! He’s charged with reckless driving and failure to yield to an emergency vehicle.
On the plus side, he can also check off his list “having all four tires punctured by a police spike strip,” and soon, “being a defendant on trial,” and “doing time for felony stupid.”
Prison Chow Must Be Pretty Good
An inmate called “Percy,” whose identity was withheld by authorities at Brinkeberg Prison in Sweden, had a real problem on the day of his release: He couldn’t fit into his pants, and could barely squeeze into his shirt. So, he walked outta the joint clad only in a shirt, socks and straining skivvies.
Nope, the prison laundry hadn’t shrunk his clothes. While serving a paltry two-month sentence, Percy simply gained so much weight he had to be issued successively larger inmate uniforms. When the time came for his release, he couldn’t fit his corpulent self into his pre-prison pants!
He could have purchased new pants from the prison store, but he said they were overpriced, and it would have taken so much of his money that he wouldn’t have had enough for a meal and cab fare home to Trollhattan. After a brief wait in the chilly breeze, Percy finally flagged down a cab.
If you were a cabbie, how anxious would you be to pick up a fat guy with no pants outside the front door of a prison? The conversation might have started like, “Yah, I chust got oud of prison, and mine pants? Ummm …Vell, you know how it is in prison. Oh, you don’t?”
Right Hand, Gun; Left Hand, Bag
It doesn’t really take an IQ much larger than your shoe size to be a crook, but there are moments when it does require a little concentration. Like, when you’re holding up a bank and you’ve got your gun in one hand and a bag in the other. You know, because one shoots bullets and the other is what you’re supposed to get the money in.
London police are looking for a guy who had a mental lapse while holding up the Halifax bank. He had made his demand for cash, and the bank employee was trying to cooperate. At the moment he was supposed to hand over the bag to be filled, he instead handed over his pistol. The employee’s eyes might have opened pretty wide at that, but prob’ly not like his eyes popped.
After a second or two of lockjawed brain-freeze, he executed a brisk about-face and sprinted out of the bank. Constables are lookin’, but then, he might still be running.
A Life Of Crime Ain’t For Worry-Warts
Tyechia Rembert performed pretty smoothly on what seems to have been her first try at robbery. The 33-year-old knocked over a cashier at a Burger King drive-through window in York, Penn. Ms. Rembert kept the chatter to a minimum, got the goods, and pulled away before anybody could get more than a fast glance at her face. And nobody got her license plate number — not bad for a novice. Nothin’ spectacular, but not bad.
But she worried. What if somebody had scribbled down her license number? Should she get outta Dodge — or at least, outta York? She couldn’t stand the tension, and finally picked up her cell phone and called Burger King to ask if, indeed, anybody saw it and wrote it down. She felt so much better when she learned nobody had.
Her relief was brief. The Burger King crew trapped her cell phone number and handed it to the cops. Her big-time crime career was over in minutes.
Got A Fake Gun? Watch For Fake Cops!
Countless stores have been robbed by countless suspects waving countless fake guns, but this is the first such fake robbery we’ve heard of that was foiled by — a fake cop!
Police in Palm Bay, Fla., say 19-year-old Wilnelia Caraballo shuffled through the door of a Kangaroo Express convenience store about 6 a.m. on a recent Sunday morning, outfitted with a mask, an “Uzi-type” gun, and some pretty nasty booze-breath, like, volatile fumes — a condition which might have altered her judgment, we think. A couple of bemused employees, lurking out of her line of sight, peered at her and her gun intently, trying to figure out if she was a serious player with a toy gun, or maybe a sloshed player with a real one. As she came around the counter, one of the clerks pulled a little surprise out of his bag of tricks.
“Palm Bay Police!” he screamed. “Get on the ground!”
Willi hit the deck like a box o’ rocks!
By the time she struggled into full cognition, it was too late. The clerks had grabbed her gun and stood ready to administer an old-fashioned butt-whuppin’. Police later confirmed her fierce-lookin’ firearm was a replica. But she’ll be charged with attempted armed robbery anyway — a nice and ironic touch.
By Commander Gilmore
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