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They Can’t Read, Ya Morons!

They Can’t Read, Ya Morons!

Nanny-state officials in Gravesham Borough, England, are learning an implacable fact: Birds can’t read governmental orders, and instinct counts for more than instructions.

Local bureaucrats got tired of receiving complaints about the noise created by resident Roy Day’s 20 birds. An order was issued to evict them from the property. Roy did his best, and really, really tried to explain the situation to his feathered friends, but it just didn’t work.

Several times he took them to a variety of remote locations and turned them loose, but they unerringly returned to the only home they knew, usually beating Roy home by a wide margin.

Mr. Day and officials from the National Pigeon Racing Association attempted to explain the problem to the bureaucrats in little bitty simple words, like, “They’re homing pigeons for Pete’s sake! They come home! That’s what they do! That’s all they do!”

The predictable next step for the kinder, gentler, more compassionate government officials is, of course, to kill or imprison the offending pigeons.

Who Would Have Guessed?

I would say gee, I can’t believe it, but then I remember that sometimes the genetic pool just kinda scums itself off automatically. I mean, who could have ever guessed that a healthy young fella would commence barfing and then die after ingesting a couple of pounds of live roaches and worms?

This exercise in modern moronics kicked off when the Ben Siegel Reptile Store in Deerfield Beach, Fla., announced they were holding a midnight roach-and-worm eating contest, with the lucky winner to take home a ball python. (We’re sure you guys know exactly what roaches and worms are, but if you’re not spun up on your pythons, the prize was a python native to Australia — one of the smaller ones — known for its tendency to curl into a ball when frightened. Take notes; there’s a quiz after this column!)

The rules were simple: The mallethead — I mean, “contestant” — who ingested the greatest amount of roaches and worms, quantified by volume rather than by numbers, in four minutes would be declared the winner. Yeah, I know — an irresistible deal, wasn’t it? Barfing before the bell would be an automatic disqualification.

The roaches, store officials proudly noted, weren’t just ordinary kitchen-floor cockroaches. They were special deluxe discoid roaches, Blaberus discoidales, sometimes known as the “False Death’s Head” roach, a native of South America. They grow to about three inches long. I couldn’t find any restaurant ratings on their taste, either fried or live and kickin’.

Enter our gastronomical gladiator, 32-year-old Edward Archbold. Witnesses declared he was clearly the winner! One can only imagine what kinda enthusiastic worm-and-roach consumption skills it took to stand out in that crowd! Anyway, a few minutes after his victory dance, Edward kinda crumpled up, commenced hurling, and shortly thereafter seized up dead. His only known photo made the local news — a mug shot from a 2004 arrest for disorderly conduct and indecent exposure. Believe it or not, he was convicted. If you could see his photo, we think many questions would be answered for you.

An autopsy was conducted by the Broward County medical examiner. Now, do not imagine the scene when Mr. Archbold was “opened up”! Don’t do it!

How Badly Do We Need To Know This?

Eighty-five years ago at Cambridge University in England, researchers decided to determine once and for all whether pitch — a variant of tar — is a liquid or a solid. The study centers on testing the drip rate of pitch. It is now the longest-running continuous college research project.

Decades ago, the experiment was moved from Cambridge to the University of Queensland in Australia, at unknown expense and for unknown reasons. Maybe Cambridge got tired of it. But finally, the experiment caretaker at the U of Q says the project may end sometime in 2013! They expect the 10th drip of pitch may drop this year! The last drip of pitch, the ninth in 85 years, fell in 2000. We’re guessing that a drip rate of 10 or more drops in a century or less will mean pitch is a liquid — just a lazy one.

Watch closely for news bulletins on this one, folks. We’re sure it will make worldwide headlines and set off massive celebrations — and probably doomsday prophecies, too.

Smash-And-Grab Job

In Chicago, police tracked down and cuffed a suspect who allegedly used a Bobcat front-loader to smash through the front of a Family Dollar Store. And what kinda loot, you might ask, was he after with that mechanized assault?

He took two cans of spray deodorant and some gift cards — and then wandered away.
By Commnader Gilmore

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SI June 13

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